So after our conversation in Berlin, I’m just going to write this and forget about carefully composing it for perfection.
Berlin was so wonderful. I loved seeing you so much. It’s easy to get into our rhythm of work and forget that there is a world out there. You get so wrapped up in this fast-paced, no thinking, constantly moving life that it’s hard to jostle yourself out of your routine. Whenever I lift my head up, though, I see so much more than I ever thought I would.
I have slight anxiety now, because I realize that there are so many places to see in the world, and our lives are so short. There’s so much to learn, so much to do, and so many people to meet. Between our daily life and routines, we’ll never be able to even scratch the surface. I have a lot of thoughts about how short our life is and how much I want to accomplish and how I’ll never be able to do it all. Actually, this is 90% of what I think about. And I want to cry every time I think about it. I see so many adults around me that I don’t want to be like. I don’t want to be jaded. I don’t want to be broken. I don’t want to be stagnant or regretful. And each time I get a taste of something new, I want to follow it. After “living” in London, I want to live there, now after visiting Berlin, I want to live there, I want to become fluent in French and be an expert in my field. I want to marry someone with a foreign touch and adopt children from around the world. I want to have a summer house on the Mediterranean. As this rat race life goes on, I realize that another week has passed, and then another month, and another year, and I still haven’t accomplished all I want to. It’s like my to-do list at work. At the end of each day I look at it and think, “that’s all I’ve done?”
I talked to Matthew yesterday, and he said, “you don’t realize how much you are learning and growing each day, until you look back after a while.” And I guess without “trying,” I’ve done pretty well. I have a job I love that does “good.” Actually, it really helps people and supports them at an extremely vulnerable time, and gives them hope. I really believe in the mission of my work. I love it.
But, there’s so much more to do and see. I think I might have to just get up and take a leap, kind of what you did, and just see where I land. I just guess we lived forever and the world wasn’t so big.
I love you.