I have so many thoughts re-reading your post. But first, let me mope a bit to you. I think it’ll be cathartic. I’m sorry if this blog just turns into a Clarissa-mope-fest. I’ve been feeling quite sad for the past few weeks about where I stand in comparison to my peers. I know I keep reiterating this, but it makes me so sad that I haven’t found my partner yet while so many of my friends have (and Jason completely ignores me now). I feel like we are getting older and I want to have a family one day and I want to be with someone and time is running out. I’m so glad I’ve had these two years to explore friendships and DC, but I’m getting to the point where I miss having a boyfriend. I want that security, connection, and to be able to build a life with someone. I’m happy for my friends who have it, but it makes me feel a little lonelier.
Similarly, I’m feeling a little behind on the career front. Clare is going to nursing school, Gina is going to law school, Laryssa just graduated from grad school. I haven’t even applied to grad programs, more less know what I would go for. Also, I’ve had so many job interviews, Becky, and so few offers. It’s exhausting and bruising to my ego to get rejected so many times. I have gotten a good number of interviews. But why once they talk to me do they not think I can do the job?
These past few weeks it’s been hard to feel motivated. I haven’t even been applying to that many jobs. I haven’t been spending time thinking about my future, or working on my present. Instead of taking drugs to numb my fear of challenging myself and becoming the person I want to be, I just hang out with friends and do activities. Whenever I’m feeling like I’m not good enough, instead of working on myself, I’ll organize something. I’ll hang out with Evan for hours, or do something with Danielle. This weekend was literally nonstop fun and activities. I got off the plane from Dallas, went to Danielle’s for a party, went to a bar with Evan and his house, slept over at their house, woke up and hung out with his house, played ultimate frisbee in the park with friends, ran home to make my costume, went to one Halloween party, then another, slept over at their house again, played tennis with Evan, hung out with him and Danielle and Michael…I have so much fun and I love my friends. But sometimes I think I love them too much. I don’t focus on myself and my future. I push away my problems and overdose on stimulation to forget about myself.
I have so many journal entries from throughout my life that are fluttering around. Since I was 10 or something, this is what I would do: find a relatively blank notebook and write a journal entry on a random page. I’d use that journal for a few months, and then get bored and find another relatively blank journal and start writing on a random page. Then, if convenient, I’d journal on my computer. Then, I’d pick up a random journal again. I have so many of these partially filled journals scattered around. And so many entries on the different computers I’ve had throughout my life. I really want to go back to my high school computer and read my entries then. I want to do something with all these entries. Compile them in a book called “Love Notes,” to see how our expectations in life wax and wane and transform as we grow and experience new things. Not use all of the entries, but just the salient bits. What do you think?
Anyway, I agree about your comments about horoscopes. I think the only thing we can do is go through life honestly and with an open mind. I recently am in love with that Maya Angelou quote, “when someone shows you who you are the first time, believe them.”
I had an interview today, and last night, my friend Nik showed me this website called “Crystal.” You can look anyone up (as long as they’re on Linkedin) and learn about what they are like and how to treat them during interviews or sales pitches. We looked the women up that I had my interview with, and the site said, “this person doesn’t like sarcastic jokes,” “likes data driven responses,” and a host of other rather serious attributes. I went into the interview so nervous that they would be cold, suspicious, and unfriendly — but they were so down to earth, and even cracked sarcastic jokes! Sometimes, I think I need to focus more on just doing what we believe is the right thing, rather than searching endlessly for the “why is that person that way,” and just accepting them however they are and do what is right for me.
Anyway, I love you, and I can’t wait to hear about you.
Happy almost birthday!